28 July 2013

'Stick it out and be grateful' vs 'I want something more'

I wish I had something of interest to recount here to you reader. Alas, I've sort of fallen out of routine with writing of late - and of other things as well.

I've sort of been rotating around this idea of 'stick it out and be grateful' vs 'I want out and I need something more'. Over the last few years, I've invested heavily in the first line of thinking - actually the second part of the first, i.e. just be grateful. Find things you love about work and the stuff happening in the everyday. But sometimes that feels like effort and that small inner voice that responds 'well it could be worse' does not help, does it? You're not standing on a relatively spectrum everyday, making sure you're in the acceptable 'green middle' and skipping happily along when you realise you are.
No one wants that face. No one.
And even if you are doing that for the majority of the month or year, there are times when you're kind of just thinking 'I am here, I'm not there.' There's still that gap. And you can shrink it with your attitude but gods know that more often that not, I haven't been able to diminish it entirely. And then of course, impatience rears it head, you get overcome with this will to move, to accelerate.

The thing with the submitting to 'stick it out' or 'keep your head down and work hard, stuff will happen for you' ideology is that time can fritter away before you realise this path is leading to Nowhere Town. For me, the mundanity of the corporate video world used to be offset by the chance to do presenting in front of the camera - it meant leaving the godawful desk and that tunnel vision you get around your monitor, your noise-cancelling headphones. I think when you 'fall into' something and realise it's enjoyable and effortless for you, heck, it's something worth pursuing, even if you'd never realised this was something you could see yourself doing. Isn't that a hundred times more worth it than tapping away at a computer all day - when you sure as hell didn't see yourself doing that either (and by that I mean work at the office, editing videos or googling 'how to' this or 'how to' that, rather than writing).

I think some things are coming a to a head for me because it's past the half way mark in terms of this calendar year. Mostly, I do away with time as a concept as this indicator on some scale of accomplishment of achievement. Mostly.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, to be honest. I only know that I have to constantly, constantly remind myself to push through doubt and fear.  So yesterday I pushed out some of my writing (the real stuff :P) into the world and started sharing it. You might be thinking, whoa, didn't she say she wants to be a published writer?!, isn't that exceptionally overdue?  Absolutely and absolutely not.

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